We're not in Kansas any more, Toto , but Korea?
by kelinor
Summary: How more bizarre can you get than a crossover, SG with... MASH? ,,laughs evilly and hides in the supply tent,, You're going to have to read, because it'll take too long to explain...
1. Stargate Troubles

"Please tell me that this is a joke," said Colonel O'Neill resignedly, surveying the scene in front of him. Behind him the Stargate shrank into nothing with its accustomed squelch.  
  
"This does not indeed appear to be Jaffa territory, O'Neill," observed Teal'c, leaning the end of his laser staff on the floor and looking at the scrubby rolling landscape, and listening to the strangely familiar sounds echoing in the hillsides. Daniel turned round from his examination of the Stargate.  
  
"You know, we were lucky that this Gate actually lets us out at all," he commented, running his fingers over the barely discernable characters engraved in the cliff-face, the gate embedded firmly in it. Turning back he saw that the Colonel was roaming around the immediate vicinity, looking around all the time, and Teal'c was still standing motionless. If he didn't know better, Daniel might even say the Jaffa was confused. "Like the rest of us," he muttered under his breath, pushing his glasses further up his nose and then looking up at Major Carter's call.  
  
"Sir, this vegetation seems very close to our own Earth varieties," she said, puzzled, bruising a leaf between her fingers. "We're definitely not on GZ78P..."  
  
"I concur," said Teal'c in emotionless agreement.  
  
"...which means that something must have happened to the Gate co-ordinates, because that's what was set..."  
  
"Great, another mess-up by our illustrious gate crew," growled Jack, stalking back over. "And if that's not weapons firing in the background, then you can lock me in my rubber cell prematurely."  
  
"Hey!" said Daniel loudly, motioning the others over urgently to where he was standing. In front of the archaeologist was some kind of totem sign, not unfamiliar on planets that had no idea of what the gates did. But the writing underneath was strangely familiar to Carter...  
  
"Look at the writing!" continued Daniel, looking up with utter confusion and mounting dread. Sam put her hand over her mouth. The Colonel squinted.  
  
"It's a bunch of squiggles, Daniel, like most alien languages. Get over it. Unless its telling us where the hell we are."  
  
"Well, unless this is some freak chance of galactic synchronicity sir, those squiggles mean that we're in Korea," said Sam, staring once more at the leaf in her hand.  
  
"That's right, Jack... these symbols are Korean... invoking the spirits to protect this sacred place..." said Daniel, straightening up and looking utterly mystified.  
  
"Korea is an Earth country?" said Teal'c, looking around defensively as the noise of weapons got closer. "I did not think that there was much war on Earth at the moment."  
  
"The last time there was a war in Korea was early '50s. Korean conflict. Before Vietnam," said Jack shortly, also swinging round with his gun at the ready. "Therefore that galactic thingamajig that Carter was talking about - "  
  
"– synchronicity - "  
  
"– doohickey must be correct. Heads up folks, we got company."  
  
Crouching behind some shrubbery, the SG-1 team watched carefully as a group of uniformed humanoid soldiers broke out of cover, supporting wounded and one on some kind of radio device. Their faint voices rang out across the gentle incline.  
  
"My God, they're Americans," whispered Carter faintly. And indeed, the words and accents were perfect, the uniforms, though severely outdated, were familiar, and the mysterious radio device was none other than an antique radio.  
  
"What the hell is going on?" hissed Daniel at O'Neill.  
  
"Search me, you're the Stargate whizz," Jack replied, as confused as the others, but being the leader, quickly made decisions. "We're going to go and find out what's going on. Teal'c – catch." Jack took off his cap and threw it at the tall alien, who caught it perfectly before looking a little non-plussed. Then he put it on, small cap perched incongruously on his head, yet still just covering his symbol.  
  
The Colonel got to his feet and strode forward, the rest of the team slowly getting to their feet behind him. One of the soldiers called out in alarm and swung his rifle in their direction. Jack held up his hand.  
  
"Yo, buddy. We're a little lost. Can you help us?"  
  
At the American voice and military accents, the soldier let his gun drop with relief. By this time most of the patrol not attending the wounded had turned to goggle at the mismatched team. Sam nudged Teal'c.  
  
"Teal'c – I think it would be better if you left your weapon here for a while – these guys might freak out a little at it." she said, taking in with round eyes the scene. It was like stepping back in time.  
  
"If you believe it to help, Carter, I will do so," Teal'c replied solemnly. "I will come back for it later."  
  
Meanwhile Jack had already reached the soldiers.  
  
"Can I ask your name - " said the soldier, taking a glance at the man's arm patches and adding, "- sir?"  
  
"Colonel O'Neill, US Air Force," said Jack, feeling suddenly out of place in his modern uniform amongst all the staring boys in the unit. He pulled himself together. "I need to speak to your CO immediately."  
  
"He's – over there, sir," said the soldier, saluting and then pointing towards one of the groaning wounded men. "But – may I ask what you're doing here? And I thought you airmen types wore different uniforms...."  
  
"We're taking a rain check," said the Colonel sarcastically, before walking over to the wounded man. The soldier looked non-plussed.  
  
"Actually, we're on a special mission," cut in Daniel hastily. "In disguise. You'd better keep quiet about this."  
  
The soldier cast a wordless eye over the other two members of the team. "Is that why you have a nurse disguised as a Major?" he said, grinning salaciously at Carter. "It's dangerous out here, you know..."  
  
Sam grinned weakly and took a step after the Colonel, before another guy cut in.  
  
"Are those Commie weapons you got there too?" he said eagerly, taking a step forward to look at the gun hanging loose from Daniel's hand. The archaeologist and the scientist exchanged frozen looks.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill here, pleased to meet you," said Jack, coming and squatting down beside the wounded Lieutenant. "Great bunch of men you have here, Lieutenant."  
  
"They're the best America's got to offer," coughed the officer weakly. "Say, do I recognise those uniforms?"  
  
Glancing back at Carter mouthing words Jack mediated. "I shouldn't think so, its disguise. But ssh. Can't let those... Reds know we're here, right?" He grinned but rolled his eyes. His guess was right, and the lieutenant laughed briefly. Daniel came up behind the Colonel seeming deferentially and whispered in his ear. Jack nodded.  
  
"Right.... Anyway, we seem to have... wandered a bit off track, and were looking for the nearest... hospital." His words seemed to come from a long way off, and Daniel nodded desperately. Jack elaborated. "Ya see, the big coloured guy on our team caught... some kind of Korean disease." Behind him Carter started whispering feverishly in Teal'c's ear.  
  
"Damn Korea, it sure does stink," nodded the officer, wincing as the medic finished tying a rough and ready field dressing on his badly burned side. "Seems like I've been here forever. What about you, sir?"  
  
"When did you get here?" asked Jack artlessly. The officer smiled.  
  
"Your info classified, huh? Excellent. Well, I got here late 1950. Two years is a long time to stay."  
  
Jack nodded in frozen agreement. Suddenly a wail of a shell was heard.  
  
"Hit the deck!" yelled someone. The mortar exploded about 200 yards away, sending the unit flying, and several screams. One was much higher than the rest.  
  
"CARTER!" yelled Jack, scrambling to his feet and running towards where she and Teal'c had landed in a crumpled heap. The Jaffa got to his feet unsteadily. Jack clasped him wordlessly on the shoulder as he saw he was all right and then he bent down and lifted the unconscious Major. Blood was pouring down her leg and her combat uniform was tattered. Jack's eyes turned leaden.  
  
The radio operator emerged coughing from the dust clouds thrown up.  
  
"Thank God the choppers should be here any minute now," he hollered, scrambling over to where the two medics had thrown themselves over their patients. He turned a grimy face towards Jack. "Your nurse will go top priority, sir," he said anxiously, even as Daniel started staunching the worst of the bleeding with his jacket.  
  
As Teal'c was held to be ill (a part that he was only just managing to pull off) the other three members of SG-1 were given places in an ambulance to get to the nearest hospital. Daniel sat beside the J'ffar, solicitously tending to his 'buddy'. Jack was sprawled edgily on the other side of the bus, jumping and jerking at every bump of the suspensionless vehicle. Eventually he got up and went to sit beside the others.  
  
"It's like a scene form Back to the Future," he muttered. "At least last time we went back to America and the 60s, not the bloody Korean War."  
  
"Are you sure that we achieved a temporal skip?" replied Daniel in a low tone. Jack gave him a look.  
  
"You pick up more bad habits from Carter every day. She'd better have been flown to the same place we're going... Anyway, we need to fix a story. Somehow, I don't think they'll buy us being time-travellers."  
  
"I think the disguise is good," said Daniel. "They had the CIA back then, right? I think we just got promoted."  
  
"Major Carter was not pleased by being thought a nurse," said Teal'c quietly. "And how will I keep up the pretence of disease if we are journeying to a hospital?"  
  
"Just keep my hat on and act sick," said Jack irritably. "But not too much. Remember, General Hammond expects us back tomorrow. I'll need you two to be back at the Gate. Oh, and Teal'c, we'll call you... George. As a first name."  
  
"What about you, Jack? Staying with Carter?" said Daniel mildly.  
  
"Someone's got to," he shrugged, returning to the other side of the bus and putting on a black scowl. Daniel rolled his eyes and stayed silent. After a while Teal'c leaned forward.  
  
"One more thing O'Neill."  
  
"Yo."  
  
"Your hat is too small."  
  
"Well you know me, I don't like to get a swelled head."  
  
"Or perhaps it is indicative of relative cerebral sizes," said Teal'c, leaning back again. Daniel snarfed quietly behind his hand as the Colonel eventually worked it out. Jack gave a sarcastic snort. 


	2. Time Lapse AGAIN?

Samantha Carter woke up in pain. The pain gave an almost dreamy aspect to the scene, mixing unreality with her memories. Had they really come through the gate back in time, again? Before she opened her eyes she could tell that there was considerable damage to her leg. She gritted her teeth and opened her eyes. At the same time her hearing decided to start working as well, and she realised that she was somehow strapped into a descending helicopter. As she struggled but failed to sit upright, she felt the clunk as the feet of the chopper set down on the floor. A face looked down on her as she was offloaded the chopper.  
  
"Say, we got a girl here!" said the corpsman incredulously, looking down at Sam's face framed by sweaty blonde curls. "What the hell?"  
  
"She was with a unit I picked up, CIA special or something," yelled the pilot over the noise of the blades as he manhandled an injured soldier off his helicopter. At that point another man came over to have a look.  
  
"Harman, what you got there? Bad leg wound? Hey!"  
  
A face floated into Sam's world of pain. Handsome features, bright and merry blue eyes with a hint of fatigue. Ebony hair layered with silver. She tried to smile weakly.  
  
"We got a woman fighting the wars now?" he said, keeping pace beside her as the litter was manoeuvred onto a jeep. "My name's Captain Pierce. I'll be with you later, don't worry. We'll take good care of you here."  
  
He said something inaudible to the corpsman and then strode off to another case. As the jeep rattled down to the compound, Sam found herself turning her head to try and see where he had gone. Settling back, she suddenly had a chilling thought.  
  
"My team," she tried to stammer out. "The Colonel..." the corpsman smiled. "Your unit members will be here soon, sweetheart. Get some rest."  
  
As they were set down in the compound, Sam discerned other women scurrying about here and there. Those must be the real nurses, she guessed. The pain in her leg was unbearable, and she bit down on a yell as the blonde nurse attending to her lifted the dressing.  
  
"Will it be okay?" she managed to grate out. The nurse looked up, and smiled.  
  
"You'll be fine. I'll put you in pretty high up, how about it? and I'm sure we'll get to talk more after the wounded are dealt with." She got to her feet once more. "Father Mulcahy, over here!" she called as she went to the next patient.  
  
Sam was given a painkiller – squinting at the bottle she guessed it was morphine. It gave her something to do whilst she waited to go in for surgery.  
  
Sam blinked awake, putting up a shaking hand to her forehead. Those drugs they were using were harsh! She suddenly remembered the circumstances, and groaned. These were probably the best they had in these times. She wished Janet were there, and then laughed softly at the futility. At the sound the nurse at the other side of the room came hurrying over. Sam realised that it was the same one from the compound, and smiled in greeting.  
  
"How are you feeling, Major?" the nurse asked, looking at the chart and then at the tightly bandaged leg in front of her.  
  
"Fine thanks, considering the circumstances," laughed Sam wryly. "I – how did you know I was a Major?"  
  
"Dog tags, Major Carter," she replied warmly. "Though strange in the extreme – but I was so happy to see another nurse in a position of responsibility! Welcome to the M*A*S*H 4077. I'm Major Margaret Houlihan, head nurse here."  
  
Sam felt an immediate affinity for the blonde nurse, and hastily corrected the mistake.  
  
"Can you keep a secret, Major Houlihan?" she said in a low voice.  
  
"Call me Margaret."  
  
"I'm Sam. Anyway, truth is... I'm not a nurse."  
  
Margaret's face was a picture of confusion. Sam tried desperately to work out what cover story the others might have faked. In that hurried conversation with Daniel they'd plunked on CIA... guess that would have to do.  
  
"...I'm with the CIA," continued Sam. "So please don't ask me too many medical questions..."  
  
Margaret looked at her strangely, then shrugged. The CIA were there to support the American way of life. If they decided to employ a woman, then good for them.  
  
"Are not a real Major then?" she asked, annoyance in her tone.  
  
"Yes, yes! I'm still a real Major," said Sam, wincing as she moved her leg. "I'm not going to lie to you..."  
  
Margaret nodded, unconvinced but still with a feeling that she was going to like this enigma of a woman.  
  
"By the way, someone called ahead to say that your unit members are on their way, as soon as possible. Colonel O'Neill, was it? Irish?"  
  
"God, no. I'll have to tell him that one, one day," laughed Sam. 


End file.
